As I squeeze my husband Billy’s hand with every nerve I can possibly manage. He sits next to me on the train, as I try my very best to find every memory and photos from my childhood. I have never done anything quite this impossible. The pressure is almost unbearable to hold. Just as I thought my head was about to explode, my sweet dear husband kisses me on my cheek and says, “Love? We are here”. At his very words, my heart gives the world’s biggest flutter with excitement knowing that there is no turning back. It has been a little over two decades which I have grown so much. Not long ago, I was considered legally blind, but with the current technology and my mindset, my vision in my left eye has completely restored itself. The world seemed very confusing at first, but with the help of my close friends and family, my mind has finally allow me to view the world as the best as my eyes would accept. Now, as the train neared the station, I see oceans of people walking in every direction you can imagine. I have never seen so many people looking so similar as myself. Back in the US, I did not see nearly this many Chinese people. Now that my husband and I have finally arrived here in China, I have never been so anxious. I quickly stood before the train came to a full stop, and grabbed our luggage and took my husband’s arms and headed towards the train exit. My heart can no longer contain itself as I squeezed through bags and between people. When a young teen Chinese boy was throwing a fit in the center of the aisle, I slowed down and waited for his beautiful young Asian mother pulled him to his feet. She smiled apologetically to me and my husband. I told her that it was no worries and compliments on her gorgeous long shining hair. She immediately smiles back and points to my tall and handsome American husband. In Chinese, she asked if we were there on a tour. When I told her that we were visiting and this was my hometown, she extended her hand to shake mine and Billy’s. The lady started walking forward and Billy and I followed behind her and her son who keeps looking over his shoulders and smiles the biggest smile he could possibly show. I smile back and his mother urged him on. Once we got on to the station landing, the lady handed me a contact card. It looked like a business card. I thank her and start looking for signs of recognition of the station. She gently runs her fingers through my hair and disappeared into the busy crowd. When I looked back, she was already swallowed up by the masses of people hurrying towards the exit. As people walked close to our personal space, I squeezed through and found a pillar which we waited for our dear friend who offered to come along to be our translator since I have long forgotten my hometown dialect. Though I was able to speak Mandarin, not everyone from my town would know how to speak it. May was so excited when she heard that we were going back to China and she said that she would love to be our translator. No more than ten minutes later, May steps out from the crowd and spotted us and started walking to us. As May hugs me and asks us if we had enjoyed our travels. I told her that we have had a blast, she gives a genuine smile which showed how white her teeth were. As May and Billy carries on a conversation about the train ride, I can not help but look at all of the stands of shops that took place in the perimeter of the station. I tried to recall my memories of this train station as a young child, nothing looked the same. This place is so modern to the point where it kind of scares me. Would I recognize anything here from my childhood in this new town? This station is more open then I remember. It also has stairs on each end of the station. When the three of us ascended the stairs exiting the station, I asked May if she has ever been here. “I come here only twice”. I smile. “I comed here last summer to visit friend”. Even though May has English grammar issues, she speaks pretty well for someone who has never left this country. “Wow, that’s great” Billy said. I told her that everything that I see so far, looks nothing like my memories. She grins, “Really, that’s too crazy, everything is not the same” she said as she giggles. “Definitely” I say. “Babe, we’ll do great and will figure it all out” my husband says as he squeezes my waste. “Thank you love” I say as I plant a kiss on his lips. I noticed that a small crowd walking towards the train station stopped and looked as if they have never seen any couples kiss. They have probably never seen an Asian woman kissing a white man. May smiled and clapped a couple of times and said, “Awww, too cute”! I laughed waved the crowd on. I soon started talking and sharing what the view was like with Billy and described everything from small bricked houses in the distance and the view of a beautiful lake off to the right. When I started describing the lake, I grew excited, because I remember this specific lake after all. Billy and May both said, “See, you got this”. I smiled and kept walking. In my mind, I knew that the woman who gave birth to me will not be in this town. She was gone a long ago. My father though, he could or could not be here still. He is either passed away from old age, or he might be settled down somewhere else with another woman possibly. As for my mother, I have no clue where she could possibly be. All I know is that she is not too old, maybe in her late thirties or early forties. I will never know for sure for now. The small school near my house was still there, but it was much bigger now. I have a feeling that someone would recognize me. Maybe an old neighbor. Maybe a childhood friend. Even a relative might still be in town. As we continued towards my first house, my heart pounded so hard and fast that it might as well have just jumped out of my throat. This feeling of certainty yet unknown is something that I have ever experienced.
Thank you for reading friends. As you guys might know, this was just a dream glimpse into my future. I have a feeling that something similar would go down like this. As for my vision, I believe that I will see better than now. Yes, I said that my vision was full, but I think with the help of technology and my own mind can make it possible. Again, thank you friends for being patient with me as I took a break from here.
Lastly, I’m working as fast as I can to finish my current book, so that I can get it published as soon as possible.